In the Grip of Pornography

Sometimes the trigger is something as ‘innocent’ as a television commercial, featuring the girl painting the living room in her underwear. Sometimes the trigger is that booby-trapped email message, disguised as an email response but shepherding that unwanted image into my life, even when I didn’t seek it.

I would like to put a ‘face’ on the victimless crime caused by lust, as preached by our Pastor on the 17th of March. Pornography addiction is very real, and I been struggling with it’s powerful grip on my life, falling deep into it power for moments or for days. It isn’t even hard-core that I seek, but erotica, where there is no real body part exposure, but I find that I am not always satisfied with these images but look for a little more. Sometimes I find myself in places I never thought I would be, thinking thoughts that I would never normally consider. The images get seared in my mind and remain with me long after the foray has ended.

I pray for deliverance, but Satan whispers in my ears, letting me know how much I have disappointed my Savior. My prayers for forgiveness seem hypocritical, without power, and without expectation. Scripture not only condemns but also causes me to question my salvation. I am a dog, returning to my vomit. I am sickened by my weakness. I despair by the silence answer to my prayers.

At a church I use to go to, I seek accountability, and make a confession before those whom I trust to be men of God, who would jump up and help. One pats me on the back, and tells me how brave I am for sharing my weakness and pain. I am admired for my courage and my visibility. But no one calls to ask how my struggle is going; no one comes forward to offers help. Months later, in a conversation with one of the men who was present, he confesses that his lack of response is because he too struggles with pornography. I wonder who else in my church struggles.

SADLY, my teen-aged daughter caught me where I shouldn't be last night...